Category: Shark Horse

Sharking Bad (Part 5)

FADE IN on the BLACK-AND-WHITE image of dirty sewage water. SOMBER MUSIC would be playing if this was a film or television drama, but it’s a work of prose so you just have to picture it in your head. Use your IMAGINATION. God, TV has ruined you- anyway it’s sewer water and it’s gross. 

From the murky blackness of runny human refuse, a small glow begins to illuminate a faint blue light. A humming LIGHT SABER floats by in the dirty sewage water.

TITLE CARD: SIX MONTHS EARLIER

Splinter and Raph stepped out of the junkyard wherein they had left the shattered body of the incredibly dead and hastily buried fox henchman. Shark Horse  will soon come by and devour this body – which you as an avid reader know but they don’t know (because they can’t read this story since they’re in it, who do you suppose is reading the story that you are in? What if they just skip to the end where you die? Oh, shit, spoilers) – and now the duo were seeking a way to do away with the wicked Sonic the Cholo.

“We need to find Sonic the Cholo,” Raph said, “We should track him down to wherever his uncle is.”

“His uncle?” Splinter asked.speedygonzales-1280x600

“‘Speedy’ Gonzalez. He used to be the fastest mouse in Old Mexico. That was before a mouse trap snapped his spine,” said Raph, “He was trying to steal some cheese.”

“That’s what he gets for trying to steal jobs from Americans,” Splinter said. (more…)

Shark Horse (Part 24)

World War Horse

world-war-horse

…To “die” is a purely subjective idea.  To say Joe Schmoe died is a bold statement.  His body: maybe.  His mind: never the same.  All the routine and average that detailed his life before, figuratively dove into worlds and scenarios beyond anything he ever wanted to think about dealing with.  The day of the Kaiju: J. Schmoe learned of his own ability to project himself onto another being.  He found out when he happened to float through all kinds of chaos into the mind and body of what he did not want to believe was a freaky shark-horse thing. (more…)

Sharking Bad (Episode 4)

Sharking Bad

Episode 4 – SONIC: METH ADVENTURE

By Jeffrey Kieviet & Casey Moriarty

“We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.”
– Walter White

“That doesn’t work. They just shit blood when you do that.”
– Casey Moriarty

… (Click here for Ep. 01; Ep. 02; Ep. 03; Shark Horse Series Bible) …

Splinter watched in horror as the little white gloves, moving in a furious flurry, reddened with the blood of the two-tailed fox.

SB4-1“I hope this insane hedgehog does not kill me,” Splinter whispered to Raphael.

“What about me?” his turtle student balked.

“I am indifferent,” said Splinter, “For you see, my beloved April is expecting.”

“Expecting what?” Raph hissed.

“A baby, dipshit,” said Splinter, “I apologize. That was inelegant.”

“Your wife is pregnant? But how?” Raph asked.

“I… Well, you see, when a woman and a gigantic mutant rat fall in love, the woman gives the gigantic rat a type of ‘special hug,’ wherein a tube is placed inside the woman’s.-“

“No, I mean, how can she be pregnant with your baby? You’re not even human!” (more…)

Shark Horse (Part 23)

SHARK HORSE: PART 23

SHARK TO THE GREAT BEYOND

“If we cut up beasts simply because they cannot prevent us and because we are backing our own side in the struggle for existence, it is only logical to cut up imbeciles, criminals, enemies, or capitalists for the same reasons.”

-C.S. Lewis

“Look at all these little things! So busy now! Notice how each one is useful. A lovely ballet ensues, so full of form and color. Now, think about all those people that created them. Technicians, engineers, hundreds of people, who will be able to feed their children tonight, so those children can grow up big and strong and have little teeny children of their own, and so on and so forth. Thus, adding to the great chain of life. You see, father, by causing a little destruction, I am in fact encouraging life. In reality, you and I are in the same business.”

– Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg

Ein Schrei wird zum Himmel fahren
Schneidet sich durch Engelsscharen
Vom Wolkendach fällt Federfleisch
auf meine Kindheit mit Gekreisch.

– Rammstein

“Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.”

– Jean Rostand

The planet Earth glittered beautifully in the distance, its troubled history invisible through the vastness of space. It stood as a reminder of from whence we’d come; from Images-of-Earth-From-Spacea primordial ooze to a mighty empire, the best and brightest of whom now populated one-hundred-and-one spacecraft of all kinds. There were space-freighters, space-yachts, space-barges and space-cutters. Among this grandiose fleet of travelers were space-canoes, space-warships and even a space-pontoon or two. But the largest, and most impressive vessel of them all was the Pilgrim Spirit, the Imperial Flagship of the Fourth Reich, commanded by Captain George Clooney himself and boasting the presence of Der Führer and his cabinet.

Built by the company Blohm und Voss using revolutionary nanotechnology, the Pilgrim Spirit was a living, sentient marvel of Terran achievement. From stern to prow it stretched nearly eight-hundred meters; it boasted a crew complement of nearly two thousand augmented men, beasts, and (to a much lesser extent) women who had been selected by the Fourth Reich as the pinnacle of Earth’s capabilities. Every part of it, from its indestructible hull to its magnificent dining halls, was constructed of microscopic, cellular machines; each system was capable of miraculous self-repair, and its incalculable energy demands were met using dark matter drawn directly from the Selachimorph Dimension.

The mighty flagship of the Fourth Reich was now hovering majestically just beyond the Earth’s orbit; the hundred-strong fleet floated just beyond it. Aboard the myriad ships that built up this fleet, there were those deemed to be the finest Planet Earth had produced. Carefully selected to conform to DolphiNazi overlord Lawrence Sigo’s eugenics program, the fleet was crewed by a motley of beings. Not only men, but dolphins, vampires, sharks, vampire sharks, horses, hamsters, and raccoons all served as crew members.

One of the crew members was a Shark Horse.

(more…)