Category: Long Stories

Sharking Bad (Part 5)

FADE IN on the BLACK-AND-WHITE image of dirty sewage water. SOMBER MUSIC would be playing if this was a film or television drama, but it’s a work of prose so you just have to picture it in your head. Use your IMAGINATION. God, TV has ruined you- anyway it’s sewer water and it’s gross. 

From the murky blackness of runny human refuse, a small glow begins to illuminate a faint blue light. A humming LIGHT SABER floats by in the dirty sewage water.

TITLE CARD: SIX MONTHS EARLIER

Splinter and Raph stepped out of the junkyard wherein they had left the shattered body of the incredibly dead and hastily buried fox henchman. Shark Horse  will soon come by and devour this body – which you as an avid reader know but they don’t know (because they can’t read this story since they’re in it, who do you suppose is reading the story that you are in? What if they just skip to the end where you die? Oh, shit, spoilers) – and now the duo were seeking a way to do away with the wicked Sonic the Cholo.

“We need to find Sonic the Cholo,” Raph said, “We should track him down to wherever his uncle is.”

“His uncle?” Splinter asked.speedygonzales-1280x600

“‘Speedy’ Gonzalez. He used to be the fastest mouse in Old Mexico. That was before a mouse trap snapped his spine,” said Raph, “He was trying to steal some cheese.”

“That’s what he gets for trying to steal jobs from Americans,” Splinter said. (more…)

Objectifying Women Objectively (A Short Story)

objectifying-women-objectively

(Spencer and Reed are in their coffee shop. Spencer has lost some of the weight, but looks wholler, thicker — as though he’s been unintentionally working out; as though he’s lifting things as part of his daily job. Reed looks about the same, but is in desperate need of a hair cut, something he’s self-conscious about, and every time someone walks into the coffee shop, he swears the breeze passes through his hair like a Purina shampoo commercial — which he does not find flattering at all.)

SPENCER: I need to talk to you about something.

REED: (Coffee cup mid-way to lips) Shoot.

SPENCER: It’s about Elena.

REED: (Finishing sip) Okay.

SPENCER: She says you don’t talk to her.

REED: I don’t?

SPENCER: Do you?

REED: No, I’m sorry, I meant, “I don’t.” Period.

SPENCER: Why not?

REED: Why would I talk to your girlfriend?

SPENCER: Because you’re my friend. My closest, I might add. It’d be cool if you two were close.

REED: Cool?

SPENCER: Well, I don’t know, say you wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. You could contact her, make all these arrangements–

REED: Do you want a surprise birthday party?

SPENCER: God no.

REED: Then would it kill you to use an example that’s actually plausible? (more…)

How to End a Story

Calvin and HobbesKURT. How’s the writing going?

WES. FAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUCK!!!!

KURT. Jeezus, what happened?

WES. I can’t FAUCKING DO THIS!

KURT. Whoa, is this part of your process, er…

WES. There is no process, this is processed. Processed garbage, like filthy food that’s spewing from my mouth because my body is rejecting it because it’s already such shit that it doesn’t need to be shat out again.

KURT. Walk me through it, Wes.

WES. This book, this ffffffffffffffffff– (breathes); this book.

KURT. … Yes?

WES. I- I started outlining.

KURT. Well, that’s your problem. You just gotta write. No outlining, no planning, just write. Then you plan, then outline, then edit. (more…)

Shoot Me Now or Make it Quick (Scene 2)

michael-godard-olives
Artist: Michael Godard

Scene 2

Oliver walks into apartment, Chris is drunk with several beers on the table.

CHRIS: Here he comes.

OLIVER: Don’t start.

CHRIS: You mean to say you’re not gonna tell me?

OLIVER: I don’t want to.

CHRIS: I have beer.

OLIVER: Enough to lower our guards?

CHRIS: Enough for you to confess your undying love for me.

OLIVER: I think I’ll pass.

CHRIS: Say that after some IPAs.

OLIVER: I slur my words when I’m drunk.

CHRIS: We won’t be speaking much anyway.

OLIVER: It’s Steph.

CHRIS: Well, duh.

OLIVER: How can someone as articulate as yourself resign to “duh.”

CHRIS: You don’t think me saying it shows just how obvious it is?

OLIVER: I don’t know why I talk to you.

CHRIS: It’s ‘cus I’m a brainteaser.

OLIVER: Are you drunk already?

CHRIS: I’m a little sober.

OLIVER: What’s the difference?

CHRIS: Glass half full. (more…)

From A to Zombie (Chapter XVI)

wash-awayChapter XVI: We’re Gonna Wash Away, They’re Gonna Wash Away…

Rubbernecking is a bit of a strange word as the first part is a colloquial term for a contraceptive while the latter precedes sex. By all accounts the term should be used as a precaution rather than a replacement for skylarking.

Many rubbernecked at the passing theater (Lucy hadn’t arrived yet) and Max joined them in viewing Neal heaving the zombie corpse by the feet.

Max had stationed himself on the hood of the (now deceased) officer’s car while Neal tugged the (double deceased) homeless’ heels. This was part 1 of a 2-part plan; first, Neal would pull this corpse to the side of the road (between the freeway wall and police car), then he would drag the officer by the heels to the same destination. Ideally, this would stop causing a scene, which could only prove beneficial for them when they were undoubtedly incarcerated. (more…)