Sharking Bad (Part 5)

FADE IN on the BLACK-AND-WHITE image of dirty sewage water. SOMBER MUSIC would be playing if this was a film or television drama, but it’s a work of prose so you just have to picture it in your head. Use your IMAGINATION. God, TV has ruined you- anyway it’s sewer water and it’s gross. 

From the murky blackness of runny human refuse, a small glow begins to illuminate a faint blue light. A humming LIGHT SABER floats by in the dirty sewage water.


Splinter and Raph stepped out of the junkyard wherein they had left the shattered body of the incredibly dead and hastily buried fox henchman. Shark Horse  will soon come by and devour this body – which you as an avid reader know but they don’t know (because they can’t read this story since they’re in it, who do you suppose is reading the story that you are in? What if they just skip to the end where you die? Oh, shit, spoilers) – and now the duo were seeking a way to do away with the wicked Sonic the Cholo.

“We need to find Sonic the Cholo,” Raph said, “We should track him down to wherever his uncle is.”

“His uncle?” Splinter asked.speedygonzales-1280x600

“‘Speedy’ Gonzalez. He used to be the fastest mouse in Old Mexico. That was before a mouse trap snapped his spine,” said Raph, “He was trying to steal some cheese.”

“That’s what he gets for trying to steal jobs from Americans,” Splinter said.

“You’re Japanese,” said Raph.

“And you’re a turtle,” said Splinter.

“Good point,” said Raph, “Anyway, Speedy Gonzalez is known to hang out at the local Del Taco. We get him there with his nephew, we can kill Sonic the Cholo.”


“¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” said Speedy Gonzalez.

“That’s all he can say now, you yuppie mutant fucks,” said Sonic the Cholo, “Since that mousetrap snapped his spine, my uncle been able to communicate through broken Spanish and that’s it.”

“I see,” said Splinter, clutching the little packet of Alka-Seltzer closely.

“¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” said Speedy Gonzalez.

“If he says ¡Arriba! once it means yes,” said Sonic the Cholo, “But that ain’t what he said, cuz he said it twice.”

With that, Sonic the Cholo took a big bite of his seven layer burrito. After a moment of chewing, his azure brow began to twitch. Raph and Splinter felt a sickening sensation in their stomachs. This could not be good.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT,” Sonic the Cholo shouted, flying once again into a characteristic rage, “THIS AIN’T NO SEVEN LAYERS!”

With great trepidation, a poor minimum-wage Del Taco employee was sent over to see what the problem was. His nametag said “Jeffrey” and he was wholly out of his elementhung like a horse.

“Can I help you, s-s-sir?” the employee, no older than 16, asked with obvious terror in his pimply voice.

“THIS AIN’T NO SEVEN LAYERS, SON,” Sonic the Cholo said, seizing the poor fast food worker by the black collar on his pollo. I mean polo. His shirt.

“W-w-well, sir, there’s beans, c-c-cheese, lettuce-”

“LETTUCE AIN’T A LAYER, BITCH!” Sonic roared, raising his fist as he prepared to deliver the same grim fate to Jeffrey that he’d delivered to the twin Tailed fox in our previous installment. Quickly, Splinter rushed over and grabbed Sonic’s raised wrist.

“Uh, Mr. Sonic, the Cholo, sir,” said Splinter, “I don’t know about you, but my stomach doesn’t feel so good from eating that double double Mexican Bacon Double Del cheeseburger (fuckin’ delicious. Del does their burgers well for borrito fast food joint), and-”

“What the fuck kind of Mexican fast food place makes fucking cheeseburgers?” demanded Sonic. (Ha, I just read this)

“Well, I don’t know,” said Splinter, “But-”

“¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” said Speedy Gonzalez.

Splinter’s stomach lurched. Was this crippled mouse onto them? Cautiously, he continued, “M-my stomach is bothering me and I think I’ll have an alka-seltzer. Would you like one?” He tried to steady his hands from trembling as he drew the little packet out of his pocket.

“FUCK YOU, OLD MAN,” Sonic said. Then, as swiftly as his rage had started, it seemed to subside. “Actually, that does sound like it would be good for my stomach, holmes. Go fill me up a water cup and dissolve it in there.”

“Oh, no, no,” said Splinter, “You don’t need a water cup. You just eat it raw. Go ahead.”

Splinter extended his trembling hand toward Sonic the Cholo and offered him the Alka-Seltzer tablet. Sonic plucked it from the rat’s cold, sweaty fingers.

“Well, okay old man,” said Sonic, preparing to put the Alka-Seltzer in his mouth.

It’s really going to work! Splinter thought hopefully. Just then, however –

“¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” said Speedy Gonzalez.


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