Sharking Bad (Part 5)

FADE IN on the BLACK-AND-WHITE image of dirty sewage water. SOMBER MUSIC would be playing if this was a film or television drama, but it’s a work of prose so you just have to picture it in your head. Use your IMAGINATION. God, TV has ruined you- anyway it’s sewer water and it’s gross. 

From the murky blackness of runny human refuse, a small glow begins to illuminate a faint blue light. A humming LIGHT SABER floats by in the dirty sewage water.

TITLE CARD: SIX MONTHS EARLIER

Splinter and Raph stepped out of the junkyard wherein they had left the shattered body of the incredibly dead and hastily buried fox henchman. Shark Horse  will soon come by and devour this body – which you as an avid reader know but they don’t know (because they can’t read this story since they’re in it, who do you suppose is reading the story that you are in? What if they just skip to the end where you die? Oh, shit, spoilers) – and now the duo were seeking a way to do away with the wicked Sonic the Cholo.

“We need to find Sonic the Cholo,” Raph said, “We should track him down to wherever his uncle is.”

“His uncle?” Splinter asked.speedygonzales-1280x600

“‘Speedy’ Gonzalez. He used to be the fastest mouse in Old Mexico. That was before a mouse trap snapped his spine,” said Raph, “He was trying to steal some cheese.”

“That’s what he gets for trying to steal jobs from Americans,” Splinter said. (more…)

The Beautiful and Damned Review: Romeo & Juliet But More Tragic

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What if Romeo and Juliet did not commit suicide at the height of their mutual passion?
Knowing what I know of Fitzgerald, it’s hard for me to disassociate any love interests from Zelda; and, because I cannot disassociate Zelda from the love interest, I cannot disassociate the protagonists from Fitzgerald himself.
The effect this has on my reading of The Beautiful and Damned is the same as a first time reading of Romeo & Juliet. Trust fund teens pursue romanticized love that ostracizes that from friends and family and ends in their deaths. Except, in The Beautiful and Damned, they suffer a fate worse than death; a living death.

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Beyonce: Formation (Live Show 2016)

It’s jarring, occasionally, to be reminded how a) un-hip, and b) white, I am, but I welcome it as a dose of reality in my otherwise complacent world. I went to see the Beyonce: Formation World Tour’s stop at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena this past Saturday (May 14th, 2016) and among other things noted that, in the culturally diverse nexus of Southern California that spawned me, I’m about as white as Moby-Dick attacking the North Pole as Benedict Cumberbatch simultaneously ejaculates a blizzard of Hostess Snowballs at it.

What I mean to say is, I’m not really the target audience here; I don’t really know Beyonce’s work, I’m not even remotely qualified to comment on any kind of music, and I don’t think any of her black feminist anthems were written with me in mind. I know this article is listed under ‘reviews’ but I’m just not really qualified to write one. If you’re looking for actual insightful comments on the performance, please click the ‘back’ button and go somewhere else, you have reached this page in error. 342F01C600000578-0-image-a-71_1463304213536 (more…)

Lumino City iOS Review: I Don’t Want My Child To Be Molested

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It may surprise some to learn that I don’t set out to hate things. With Lumino City, I can’t help it.

Not the art style. I think this 3D, Trey Parkerian construction paper look is great. I’m reminded of The Neverhood‘s claymation world, but Lumino City goes with a more “crafts” aesthetic. That is good and I hope everyone who worked on this element of the game is proud of themselves.

It’s simply the game design I can’t get behind because I don’t want my child to be molested.

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